back to square one, or thereabouts

Tonight I touched the black and white keys again, after what feels like forever. I started with Moon River, which has always been my warm-up piece of sorts. It's really simple, and my parents like the song. Technically, it was okay, but it lacked heart because I was anything but sure of myself.

I followed it up with Memory, and it was downhill from there. I no longer sight-read as quickly as I used to, fumbled over the bridge, and couldn't even muster a solid ending. I stood up then, killing any dream I had of tackling Gone tonight.

It's the main reason I haven't played in a very long time. I know that I'm nowhere as good as I used to be once upon a time, and the thought of sitting on the bench, struggling again does things to my ego. It dawned upon me that this may be what it feels like to lose a limb or something: the frustration over not being able to do something you used to do very well, the feeling of being back at square one. Well, not exactly, as square one would mean I had forgotten everything, but still. I miss doing runs. I miss memorizing pieces and playing them from memory. I miss how good I used to be.

It will take practice to get that back. More than that, it will take a lot to swallow the bitter pill and accept that it's no longer an easy ride, that I will need to work hard to get back in shape. The question is, do I want it badly enough?