I hate this feeling.

I hate this.

The feeling that it's too good to be true when all seems right in the world. No major problems of the heart, family's healthy, friends are okay as okay can be, no world disasters, no storming to the streets to depose a president, everything's pretty steady. It gives me the sense that a storm must be brewing somewhere, just waiting to take you by surprise so that you don't see it coming.

It's such a pessimistic mentality, but can you blame me if the biggest trials I've faced were things that I really didn't see coming? Like a monthsary celebration that suddenly turned into the night of the "I'm in love with someone else and I think we should break up" speech. Like landing a job unexpectedly, only to be laid off just as unexpectedly because the company closed down on the owner's whim. In both occasions, the first instinct was to cry. Cry until it hurts inside. Then wander through the days in a daze, unsure of how you're managing to go through the motions. It's a dark place that makes you question everything-- somehow, all the positive things like pride in your accomplishments, belief in your abilities, comfort in knowing you are loved... they all seem like lies at this point. Like someone has been leading you on to believe all these things, only to pull the rug from beneath your feet. You wonder, why me? Why now? And of course, why didn't I see this coming?

I don't know if I prefer this over dying a slow death, just like my first relationship did. With that one, I just woke up one day and thought to myself, "I'm tired of all this. I don't want this anymore. I know I've tried my best to make this work and there really is no turning back." That moment came months and months after friends tried to open my eyes to the reality that, really, there was nothing left worth saving. I just had to arrive at that point myself. And when I did, there really was nothing left to say, nothing to look back on, making it much easier to focus on moving forward and building something new. The thought, though, that something you cherish is slowly dying... Should you spend all your energy trying to prevent something from breaking down, or should you save all that energy for dealing with the aftermath of a breakdown and for building something new from the ashes?

The storm is brewing. Maybe it's even arrived already, and will only increase in magnitude. I have this picture in my head of being atop a mountain, looking down at the valley, seeing people flee their homes and trying to rebuild from the wreckage, feeling powerless to help them and fearful that the storm could come and get me anytime. Because storms are that way: they tend to change course when you least expect them. So really, no one is safe. Do you leave before the storm hits, or do you stay and try to tough it out?

They say that how one deals with a crisis something about your character. If you flee before the storm hits, you seem like a coward (especially if the storm ends up dwindling into a light shower. What of you then?). If you tough it out, you run the risk of losing yourself in it, but also have the chance of emerging tougher and stronger than before. The latter sounds more appealing, even if it is much harder to do and often requires you to summon a strength you didn't know you had.

Sometimes the best thing to do in a storm is to stay put. Not run out to buy more batteries, not purge your home of anything breakable and potentially deadly in the event of a storm, none of that. Just sit. Keep everything as it is, watch the storm howling outside, maybe read a good book while you're at it. Stay put and things will return to normal, a better day will emerge whether or not you panic over the storm.

Maybe that's why people always discourage you from moping around after breaking up with someone or losing your job. Sulk for a few days, then keep going. Wake up every day, eat breakfast and brush your teeth after, and do what you've always done: hang out with friends, read a good book, smell the flowers. Because one day, that new love will come knocking, or you'll stumble on that opportunity that will lead you to a new career.

... okay, I'm now officially not making any sense. Talk about writing in... how does that go again? Write in white heat, edit in cold blood? That seems like a mixed idiom, like "barking around the wrong bush". Hmm... if you remember how that goes, drop me a line! Ciao!


(And no, none of this is about me. I'm all good... so far. Storm's brewing, as I said.)